My Ego Hurts

I have learned to understand the nature of my ego. From Buddhism I learned the concept of ‘We are all the same human being’; something the Dahlia Lama says when he speaks. The first time I heard this I thought it was a peculiarity of his speech. English is not his first language. I thought he meant to say, ‘We are, as human beings, the same’. But he really did mean ‘the same human being’, as in a single entity. He was trying to make a point.

Steve Hagan says, in Buddhism Plain and Simple, that we are not corks floating down the stream of life; that we are the stream itself. The cork is an illusion, one that causes much suffering, for ourselves and for others.

More recently, I have been studying the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. I spend at least an hour each day, sometimes several, listening to his talks. I am gaining an in-depth understanding of the human condition, of the collective insanities, and of the role that the ego has played in a world gone mad. I know that it’s the millions and millions of little egos seeking supremacy over everything, including their hosts, which have caused most of the suffering in this world -- from the mindless destruction of our earth’s biosystems, to the greedy ethics of corporations and political structures, to the mundane conflicts that plague most relationships.

I know all this. And yet…. and yet, my ego hurts. It’s in pain.

I have learned that I can keep my ego from gaining dominance. It isn’t that it wants to be on top, or that it needs to convince itself that it is better than this person or that person. It’s not asking me to take it on a shopping spree, or to overeat, or to spend the afternoon vegging out on computer games, or to look for someone that it can manipulate into making it feel better. I’ve gone beyond that tomfoolery. It’s just that it hurts, and it’s afraid. It’s the betrayals, the memory of pain caused by the egos of others, that is doing me in.

I’m not chewing away at things. I know the danger of wrapping a ‘Story’ around the events of my past. These stories empower the ego, distort one’s perspective, hide the truth, and in the end, cause more suffering. I learned the folly of that a long time ago. It doesn’t work for me anymore.

Ah …. the painful truth. It’s no wonder we hide from it.

The past is the past. Things happened, just like things happen to all of us. But sometimes I wonder if too much damage has been done. Will I ever be free of the past? Is anyone ever free of the past?